Hate & Anger

You can read more about this journey to love & the happy ending with; Unloved & Angry, Confident & Empowered, Running from Love and Pregnant & Selfish.

I promised to share the drama surrounding us during my pregnancy and today is the day!  My pregnancy was full of anger, hate, jealousy and craziness.  To this day it still bothers me that I couldn’t get the love, support and comfort that most other couples get during those nine months.  I’m not going to go into every detail because it was a few years ago and relationships have been mostly repaired.

In the very beginning, and I mean the VERY beginning first few weeks there was excitement.  My mom didn’t seem too thrilled I was pregnant but eventually warmed up to the idea.  Chris’ sister was very excited about being an Aunt and some of our friends were really happy about it but it quickly became overwhelming.  Name the baby this, do this to make sure it’s a girl, do that to make sure the baby is healthy…on and on.  I always felt like someone was in my face to tell me something I didn’t want to hear.  Also, from the beginning I heard this a lot:

“Are you sure Chris is the Dad?”

“Hey man, are you sure this is YOUR baby?”

And, I understood at first, I had been with other people but when I said ‘I have no doubt that this is his baby, the timing doesn’t work out any other way’ I feel like people should have backed off.  But, they didn’t.  My first ultrasound only fueled that fire because I measured three weeks less then I should have been but I hadn’t slept with anyone in the time that would have been conception.  The first few weeks after I had to take the morning after pill I stayed away.  Again, I feel like me saying ‘I know this is Chris’ baby.  I don’t care what the ultrasound says, I’m further along then that.’ should have made people shut it.  But, they didn’t.

Eventually, my friends stopped talking to me and preferred to talk about me.  We stopped speaking to my now SIL because she was accusing me of being a whore, using Chris and sitting on my ass all day eating his food.  We get along now, mostly, much better then ever before but at the time…he was taking care of her, buying food and paying the bills so it was kind of like ‘sure it’s okay for you to do but he can’t take care of his pregnant girlfriend’.  I was working, I did have to quit working early because of complications but I was working and contributing.  I didn’t ask him, threaten him or demand he take care of me, ever.  This whole hot mess came to a peak because I got tired of being called ‘two ton tina the fat whore’, slut, whore, bitch and several other lovely names and Chris got tired of hearing ‘your gf fucks everything that moves’.  Chris told his ‘friends’ that he didn’t care if the baby was biologically his or not.  He had been there since I got pregnant, he was taking care of me and the unborn baby and this was his baby no matter what.  We didn’t have the support of friends, only a few family members were supportive because I hadn’t known Chris long when I found out I was pregnant and we weren’t together.  It sounds so selfish and stupid to say it now but at the time it was so important but things like we had to throw our own baby shower and only a few people showed up or we would try to plan things and get no response.  I had Nate and only a few people came to see him at the hospital (he later had a big family visit at our place) and it felt like no one cared.  I know if I had been back home it would have been a bigger deal but I just expected too much out of people evidently.

I hate that when I look back on pregnancy it’s so full of anger and hate and sadness and frustration.  After I accepted my pregnancy I was in love and happy and we had each other but it gets tiring being ‘us against the world’.  About a week before Nate was born Chris gave his sister another chance (at the time I didn’t approve of it and would have left the hospital had I not been chained to a bed by cesarean) and a few of my friends and I had made up so they came to visit.  They realized I was right about some things and I realized I needed to try again.  It’s been a long road to being able to get along with my SIL and accept that I can’t change how things went down during my pregnancy.  I know that when I get pregnant again it will be a lot different but Nathaniel’s pregnancy was a very drama filled, stress full and strangely enough one of the happiest and also saddest times in my life.

Next week we can have a baby!  Or, if you have questions I can answer those.

Linking up with Shell for Pour Your Heart Out