Feeling Selfish

I’ve been feeling kind of like a self absorbed asshole lately…

I’m tired, I get frustrated when I’m dealing with Nate from wake up to bedtime and I’m not used to being this ‘in charge’ of the little details of our life.  I took over the bill paying a few months ago and have since overdrawn our account three times due to forgetting about various bills.  I now call when something breaks in our house, I’m making a lot more meals then I’m used to and I’m on my own a lot more then I would like.  And, I start to feel like a little kid going ‘ME ME ME ME!!!’ but, what about my husband, Chris?  What about his feelings?  He’s working a lot and missing out on things with Nate, our cats and my pregnancy and that can’t be fun, at all.

He’s an amazing man and really gives me and Nathaniel and work every thing he has.  I can’t think of the last time he had a night to hang out and play his games and drink a few beers.  His computer has crashed so he can’t blog, not that he would be able to find the time between his pregnant wife needing back rubs, his son needing his attention, his work demanding that he spend every free moment there and his body demanding that he sleep and eat?  He has been going non stop and I don’t know that I’ve taken enough time to tell him how much it means to me and, since all of the above have been happening, I’m blogging about it because in the 15 minutes it would take me to tell him I’d spend half of it crying and we would be squeezing it in as it was haha.

I’m kind of like a dude in that it’s easier for me to SHOW that I care and appreciate you rather then talk about it, I can talk about it but I like to show it.  So, when I make sure the coffeepot is preset for the morning or I make him a packed lunch…I’m showing that I want him to be taken care of.  If I see a link he might like or a picture that might make him giggle…I’m showing him that I’m thinking about him.  If I make sure his favorite work clothes are clean…I’m showing that I want him to feel good about himself.  I make sure the bathrooms have toilet paper or if it’s getting close to five that I start dinner or if he’s on bedtime I try to keep him company during the long process it can be.  I make sure he knows that I want to get him naked, even if we keep falling asleep on each other.

When he comes home several hours late from work, I can get frustrated and I can be bitchy.  Sometimes it’s almost unbelievable to me that after working mostly six day weeks since December 3rd and being at work hours early and hours late that he could still have SO much to do.  Then I go visit him at work or I see his GIANT stack of manager crap he has to read, go through, know, implement, etc. etc. and it makes sense.

As soon as he gets home Nate is all over him because he missed him and I know all Chris wants to do is fall asleep but he pushes through it to play with Nate, that’s how he lets us know that we are important.  When he makes time to leave work to bring me the car instead of dragging Nate out at 3:30am to take him he is letting us know that he cares about our well being.  When he brings me home a brownie or Nate a little cookie or a bug juice or a whatever that’s how he lets me knwo he thought of us in the middle of his busy day.  He’s always willing to run out and get me whatever I’m craving even if he just sat down from a 12 hour shift.  When he goes and does things with us on his days off when he’d rather just sleep all day…it lets me and more importantly Nate know that we matter.

So, even though we may not always realize it when we are both tired and have both been at work all day and just want a break…we are thinking of each other.  I appreciate every thing he does for me and I really need to remind myself more often that we are BOTH feeling tired, BOTH frustrated by him working so much and we BOTH just want the other one happy.  So, I will keep setting the coffee pot and he will keep bringing home brownies.

Linking up with Shell!