This is probably more of a post that I would save for Wednesday and link up with Shell for but I’m really hoping to be un pregnant by then and emersed in all things baby. A girl can dream! I’m currently 40 weeks 3 days pregnant and despite weeks of signs that she’s coming out and over a week now of contractions, cramps and back pain, I’m still with child.
It’s made me a little bitchy to still be pregnant but also my feelings have been a little hurt by friends and family telling me what to do. At first I figured everyone had my best interest at heart but I’ve slowly come to realize that many of them actually think that I’m an idiot who is doing something that is either harmful to my unborn daughter, just plain stupid or selfish. It got me thinking, maybe they weren’t around for Nate’s birth, maybe they don’t remember how awful it was or maybe people ignored the countless times I’ve talked about it on this blog or in a public forum. I’m sure I could have gone to the hospital after the day and a half of hard contractions and gotten on some pitocin to really get things moving but that’s not what I want and here’s why.
Nathaniel was born at what ended up being 42 weeks 3 days, I was induced at what the doctor thought was 38 weeks (despite me telling them the WHOLE PREGNANCY that I was further along). Something was off so I told them he hadn’t been moving like he should. He arrived after 36 hours of induced labor. My labor went from 0-60 in a few hours and I was having back to back long and strong contractions, 2 minutes apart lasting 30 seconds to a minute within four hours of the start of induction. They lasted the remaining 32, I held out for 12 hours without an epidural because that was important to me but I could NOT take it. Many hours later they realized he was sideways, turned him, he turned back, they turned him again and he turned back and got stuck. After many more hours they ended with a semi emergency cesarean. It ended up that his cord was weird or around his neck, I don’t remember. I lost a lot of blood & developed slight PTSD. I couldn’t talk about my real feelings for a good year or so after because anytime I tried to explain I was told ‘well, he’s here right’ or ‘at least you got a healthy baby’. And while yes, he was and I did, that didn’t make the labor any less traumatic. I’ve written about his labor and birth in detail on this blog so that’s not what I will be doing again but I wanted to do a quick ‘recap’.
I’m scared, terrified even, of hospitals, inductions, drugs, epidurals, surgery, etc. I am not one of those people who trusts in doctors and doesn’t ask questions. I’m the annoying patient, I’m ‘that mom’ in doctors appointments, I ask questions and drive people crazy because not only do I want to understand but because I don’t think that everyone fits in that one birth model or time table. I trust my body.
That is why I’m letting Abigail take her time, that is why it’s important to me to be able to do this on my own and in my own way. Also, if I don’t VBAC her, that’s it, next baby has to be a cesarean. The risks get a little too high for me after that and I really want to do a midwife and a home birth for baby #3. That is the kind of ‘birther’ I am, it isn’t for everyone but that’s what I want.
Abby is continually moving, water intact and doing fine. The second she isn’t moving properly is when we stop waiting her out and head to L&D, until then, please support me and don’t act like I’m endangering my child by being ‘stubborn’.