I’m going to preface with this is the hardest post I’ve ever written. I feel naked, vulnerable and exposed but I feel it’s important to do. I’m nervous that once this is all out there I may be looked at in a different light or that some of you will judge but I don’t want the scale to have this power over me or the shame I feel of being morbidly obese (OMG that hurt just writing it) to have power over me anymore. I was browsing facebook this morning and found it ironic that my friend Michelle had posted the quote below when I had just written this post last night about the biggest thing I fear. Sharing my weight and showing my less desirable parts.
“Whatever you fear most has no power….it is your fear that has the power.” – Oprah Winfrey
I want to share this because I want people to know if I can do this anyone can do this. If you are struggling let’s do this together! If by writing this and sharing and posting pictures I inspire even ONE person to say ‘that’s enough it’s time to change’ and actually do it then it’s worth it.
What I fear most is someone, anyone finding out what I really weigh and everyone seeing my exposed body. It may sound silly to some of you but I have always been ashamed of my weight, I have never been able to lose weight no matter what I tried so I gave up and gave in to the idea that I was just going to be fat my entire life. Then I saw pictures from August and realized that I needed to make a change. I have never had weight related health problems but how long can it last? P90x has finally FINALLY helped me make changes in my body. It’s the first thing to really show me that I CAN do this. My little brother lost over 150 pounds and at first it made me feel even worse about myself because if he could do it why couldn’t I? I always thought we were big boned and then he lost all that weight and revealed a small frame underneath. I realized that I wasn’t just destined to be obese that there was a smaller more fit person in this body that I had let myself become trapped in. I just needed to find her.
When this scale came in the mail I was excited. I have lost 25″ and went down a size and a half so I was interested to see what I weighed. My entire pregnancy I wouldn’t let them tell me my weight only what I had gained and after only what I had lost so I honestly had no idea. I stepped on the scale and saw a number that blew my mind. I do not think that I look like what I weigh and a few people I ’came clean’ to before I posted this agreed however I do weigh it. I know someone who is MUCH larger then me on the outside and we are only about 10 pounds apart on the scale. This makes me believe even more that muscle weighs more then fat. I’m not delusional, I know I’m large and I know that I weigh a lot but I don’t think I look it. Any rambling.
I feel it’s important to show these pictures (although I do regret not having one from 25″ ago because it would be a huge difference!) to take away the power. No one has ever known this stuff about me, I kept it locked up deep in a vault too scared to share and convinced that if someone knew they wouldn’t love me. Weight has equated to a lot of things in my family. The skinniest gets the most attention, the one working out the most gets the most praise and so it’s really become a ‘I’m going to be fat and get fatter and if you still love me then you must really love me’ thing. I told Chris about all of this before I posted this and I felt so vulnerable and couldn’t stop tearing up convinced somehow if he knew how I felt and knew the number on the scale he wouldn’t love me anymore or would not want to sleep with me anymore. It makes me so crazy and irrational!
My current measurements are 43″ (under the bust chest), 45″ and 58″. And those are today after losing 25″. That’s really really hard to admit. So here are some pictures of me. Me in all my 313 pound glory. 313. I really truly believe I do not look like I weigh that. If you are horrified click off, I don’t think my self esteem could take terrible comments. I’m aware that I am overweight, I weigh 313 pounds, obviously I am.